On my way home from work today it finally occurred to me why I fall down so much. I have been fed misinformation about genetics and Grandmother since my first experience with the corner of a coffee table. The truth is that my mind exists 3 days into the future leaving my body scrambling to catch up. A formula for devastation as you will soon see.
Eric mentioned this afternoon that he wanted to have some guys over on Sunday to watch the Cowboy game. The sheer delight of preparing little Cowboy themed finger foods nearly caused me to pee in my pants. I was actually visualizing sugar cookies with little sparkly blue footballs on them the moment I drank a bucket of shame.
There is a level of sophistication a woman in high heels is responsible for. You don't see ballerinas lighting their farts. As I was walking to my car with visions of Cowboy treats dancing in my head, I failed to see the curb that I was looking directly at. Suddenly my mouth was a giant "O" and I became aware of a person slowing down in their S.U.V. I imagine from their point of view they witnessed a blond bouncing out to her car, smiling blankly and then instantly crumpling to the ground with the force of a plane crash. There was that uncomfortable pause where they were consumed with shock and not knowing what to do while I rolled around on the cement.
I thought the only thing worse would have been to see one of my shoes fly off. Instead, in my attempt to catch myself, my right hand shot out and smacked the passenger side door of the white sedan next to my mini-van. It smacked so hard that it set the damn car alarm off. It's just not my style to wipe out in a public place you see. I have to announce it with a screaming car alarm. At least this caused the person in the S.U.V. to suddenly lose interest and get the hell out of there.
For the first time in my life, my body and my mind came together in an action so fast that it cannot even be explained in quantum physics. Humiliation overpowered my clarity to check for protruding bones as I slithered into the mini-van like a hunchback.
I peeled rubber out of the parking lot.
I am missing nearly all of the hot pink nail polish on my left foot. My once white heel has a massive tear in the leather. I am still burning with embarrassment as I sit here typing. The rest of the way home was spent thinking about my greasy little finger prints left on the side of that car and if the Po'po was coming to get me. Once in the system always in the system...
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