In The Life Of: January 2009

I am often amused with the ironies life presents. My flabby, donut picture posting ass had finally caught up with me on January 1st and a New Year's Resolution had to become a life changing event. I decided to go back to a vegan diet. The one time I had done this in my past I felt and looked better than I ever had- besides, it's also a way to protest the dispicable cruelty that takes place on factory farms. (Check out 48 year old Carol Alt in Playboy last month who only eats raw foods.) I began a couple of weeks ago phasing out the animal bi-products I had purchased over the holidays. Combined with 20 minutes a day on a treadmill, I have lost 6 pounds in a week. *pats self on back* On Saturday, for the first time in nearly 5 years, Eric went hunting and brought home a doe. A vegan's dream, right? The vicious murdering of Bambi's mother. Obviously I can't allow the deer to have died in vain, so I will be eating meat again for a while, but very little. I swear I think this is how my "meat and potatoes" husband is responding to the way I have been cooking dinner lately- hummus lettuce wraps and tofu spaghetti...

So while he's out hunting, I'm home alone on Saturday night. At first I'm really enjoying reading my book next to the fire place in a pile of dogs. Everything is peaceful when I go to bed and I prepare for a night of the deepest kind of sleep. Around 2:30 in the morning, I woke up to Bailey (my fat lab mix) screaming barking at the back door. I mean the serious kind of bark that comes from a dog that leaves you paralyzed with fear. I sat straight up in the bed unaware that I wasn't breathing. For 5 minutes I sat there trying to get myself to either hide in the closet with my cell phone or figure out a way to stab someone with a house shoe. (It's a comfort knowing what a lousy response I have to fear!) None of our dogs have ever woke us up barking at night.

Once Bailey stopped barking, I managed to gather enough courage to investigate. I know my dog well and in the back of my mind I was pretty sure this was just a false alarm. Bailey has been known to bark at the wind. I slithered out of the bedroom and went to the back of the house where I found Bailey, standing by the back door timid, and starring at me like the German Shepard in Legend when Will Smith finds him under the desk in the dark. I didn't see anyone so I turned on both back lights and then the front light hoping that if it had been someone, they would realize I was awake and available to stab them with a house shoe.

I waited for about a half hour before deciding this was just Bailey crying wolf. I went back to bed with The Chihuahua and Bailey under the bed. Samson, our Great Dane, was sleeping in the other room and wasn't bothered at all by the commotion. That comforted me as well. It took me a while to fall back asleep but just as soon as I did, I was wakened by something worse. This time it was Samson, as he was standing by the backdoor growling a very deep, deep growl. I had never heard him growl so fiercely. My fear turned to rage and I flew out of the bedroom lusting for a violent embrace. No one was there except Samson and his hackles were raised from the tip of his nose to the end of his tail. Again I flipped on all of the outside lights. I set up camp in the living room where I had the best view. Of course I had concluded that the one and only night that my husband is away, in a subdivision of 300 houses (ours being the smallest) someone has decided to beat, rape and leave me for dead. I sat on the couch for a couple of hours thinking about all of the people I've pissed off in my life. I decided not to call the police because I had embarrassed myself doing that once when I thought someone was in our attic preparing to drop down and stab us all to death but the police only discovered a pack of raccoons climbing around on the roof. The rest of the night I looked like a bush baby whipping my head around at the slightest sound. I made it back to bed at sunrise but never really slept.

I wonder if it really was anyone? They heard Bailey and thought, "Hmm.. sounds like a medium sized fat dog. I can probably take 'em..." Then the lights came on and they hunkered down behind the BBQ grill, "Yep. That's got to be a single woman in the house thinking the lights are going to scare me away..." Then after I'd gone back to bed and they went for the backdoor again they heard Samson and that must of put a twist on things,"Damn! That dog grew!" It would of been great if the whole mess had started with The Chihuahua barking, then Bailey and then Samson...