November 30, 2008

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE BROTHER!!

From my little punching bag....

To a wonderful father and husband...

Here I go falling behind on my blog! I went to Memphis on the 15th for a visit with friends and family and the whole thing turned out to be a huge disappointment and disaster! The only good thing to come of the trip were the fabulous photos I took and I wanted to share them all with you.

The Arcade is famous landmark on South Main and a wonderful place to eat. I had breakfast here with my Dad on Sunday morning before he turned to The Dark Side.

Here is the Lorraine motel where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was shot. It is now the Civil Rights Museum. It's so weird going home as a tourist...

This duplex (669 Mansfield) is where some of the happiest times of my life happened. My friend Amy and I lived downstairs and our friend Cameron lived upstairs.

A home I have always loved in Central Gardens on Belvedere. (The neighborhood where 669 was.)

The corner of Rozelle and Central in Central Gardens.

Beautiful Fall tree in the same neighborhood. Most of the houses in the neighborhood have trees on fire like this.

Here's a shot of some Canadian geese at Shelby Farms. This was a place I would often go to reclaim my sanity!

My friend Beth I've known for 17 years was able to meet me there for a brief visit.

The next day I went to Shelby Forest to take pictures of what's left of the Fall colors. Shelby Forest is about 25 minutes north of Memphis. Here are some of my favorites:

I saw this owl in a tree right above us and took this picture from the car!

This corner store has been here forever. A rooster greeted me at the door.

November 3, 2008

Last Monday I talked about Leo haunting our mini-van. On Tuesday afternoon when I was leaving work I got into the van and asked Leo out loud, "Please don't f*** with me tonight." I should have kept the thought in my head because Leo heard it and ran with it. The mini-van sat there dead as hell. I swear I heard Leo's sneaky cackle. So I called Eric as he was leaving work 7 zip codes away and he dissected the engine and decided to jump the battery.

Eric found the +- feeds into the battery and I walked a good distance away as he jumped the van. I hate it when people jump batteries. I just know that sucker's going to blow up like a hot water heater and some metal will slice through the air and go directly into my pupil (arrow into tree sound) so that I have one blind, buldging, white eyeball the rest of my life. Needless to say (so I'm going to type it) we got a new battery and made it home late just in time to have Taco Bell. The van is running better but Leo is still popping the locks up and down and flashing all the cabin lights. Eric says the computer is going out but I know better...

The next day Drew picked up Kelly and she spent the night with us. Her Sweet 16 was on Thursday so we surprised her with the Carrie Underwood concert. Eric took these pictures:

The Kelly is happy...

This shot shows the confetti at the end of the conert:

Friday was an uneventful Halloween. I bought all the nice chocolate candy that I didn't get when I was a kid because we lived in the redneck neighborhood. I also knew we'd probably not have many trick-or-treater's because I now live in a neighborhood inundated with paranoid soccar moms afraid their children will bite down on the proverbial razor blade. When I was a kid and would bite down on one of those things I'd yank it out of my gum, wipe up the blood and continue eating my damn candy.

What left me completely unprepared were the lazy ass kids that wouldn't even bother to say "trick-or-treat". They'd just hold up their pillow case and try to scope out the inside of my house for stuff to hock. You think I'm just handing out candy because I like to watch my arm fat spin around? You're gonna work bitches! There were a lot of kids that didn't even bother to dress up. One boy turned his shirt inside out- that was his costume! Your daddy's driving around in a Hummer and you ain't got no costume? Then a few kids had to select their own candy because they had peanut allergies. What the hell is that? Bad genetics, that's what.

On Saturday Eric and I watched the Texas/Tech game at the Fox & Hound with some friends. Sunday was Tick Day. This is when you just lay around and eat all day. I'll leave you with this picture. It's time for bed!!

October 27, 2008

My mini-van is haunted.
It isn't enough that I traded in my sexuality to bounce the streets in an mini-van. I had to end up with a haunted one. The van belonged to Leo, Eric's step-dad and we bought it from his son when he passed away a little over a year ago. I never really got to know Leo that well. He was sneaky and he looked just like an egg but he was always nice to me. In fact, I liked Leo because I appreciated his sneakiness.

The first haunting came about a few months ago when the van alarm went off in the middle of the night disturbing Pleasantville. I flew out of bed like a Halloween cat sure that some punk was up in my property trying to make off with my toll tag. Once my pupils shrank down to a normal size and I saw there was no one around I had to shuffle around in the dark to find the little key remote to turn off the alarm. I went back to bed dismissing this incident as a strong gust of wind or someone's cat.

A few nights later at approximately the same time, the alarm went off again. This time I was sure there was a punk after my toll tag. I peeked out the window and nothing was there. No cats and no breeze. The hair on the back of my neck was all, "What up home skillet?! Haaaayyyy!!" I told the back of Eric's head to get the gun. He responded with a grunt, fired off an air bagel and managed to scratch a ball. The next morning we discussed the alarm going off and Eric said it was probably the battery going dead. This sounded logical enough to me so I let it go, and for a couple of weeks nothing happened.

Then one night while I was driving down the highway the locks started popping up and down and the cabin lights were flashing like a strobe light. The "Door Ajar" indicator light came on so I pulled over and checked all of the doors. They were shut tightly. I got back into the van and the locks kept popping up and down accompanied with that constant DING!DING!DING! This was when I realized Leo was back and having a fine giggle over my puckered butt hole. You can't imagine what it's like to drive a possessed vehicle down a busy interstate in the dark hoping a cop wouldn't see my little mobile disco scene. I made it home alright and of course the van was on perfect behavior so that Eric never once witnessed any of the mania.

This has happened many times since and never when Eric is around or driving. I'm sure he thinks I'm going a little Tom Cruise but just smiles and says, “We'll get it checked out honey...” It happened again this morning on my way to work but I've gotten use to it now. I quit locking the van so the alarm won't go off and when the locks start popping up and down, I just beat the dash board to turn the volume up on the radio because it doesn't work either. The volume is either completely gone or so loud that you have to roll down the windows to let some of the noise out.

I figure if some punk manages to get hold of my toll tag, they'll end up with a bit of Leo too and that's all the justice I need. Heh... Heh... Heh...

October 7, 2008

Yes. I did do this to my dog. And his little shirt glows in the dark making him extra-spooky!

I haven't had anything happen to write about. On my way home today I drove right past my subdivision because I was daydreaming that I was in a spelling bee and I had to spell chateau.

Anyway, because I posted a horrible picture of myself with candy corn teeth Eric is terrified that the world will think that is how I look all of the time. Well, it is! I'm going to take a normal picture of myself but I have to master Photoshop first. I did get my rrrrroooots done so maybe I can go back to the dentist and get my teeth cleaned with dignity...

September 21, 2008

Lots to catch up on....

Wednesday I went to the Santana concert with Eric. I have a lot of pictures but I'm entirely too lazy to post them all. I drank too much to ease my crowd anxiety and Eric had to help me to the car. I looked like a muscular dystrophy patient. I had been up since 6AM and worked all day and then rushed home to go to a concert in the middle of the frickfrackin week. Concerts should only be on weekends. A Wednesday night... who does that??!! This car was sitting at the entrance to the concert. I have a feeling Eric's going to get it for my 26th birthday coming up.

Santana The Man

Moving on... I can't think of anything significant to write about that happened over the weekend. Oh wait, on my way home from work on Friday I did spend a fair amount of time wondering how snow actually happens. I'll have to research this later...

Today Jeff came over and we decided to go for a bike ride. Here's Jeff and Eric being manly.

Here's Jeff and Eric being bitches...

Here's my view riding behind Eric:

Some parts of Texas are purty...

We pulled over for a while to check out an old cemetary and woah- I sure am hot! God I'm hot!! I'm so hot that sometimes I call my cell phone from work just to ask myself out... >:)

Well, okay not really. But Eric did look at my ass and discovered some nasty gum I had managed to pick up from God only know's where. And by the way, it took great effort on my part to make my ass look this dumpy.

Some pic of us fooling around... gotta love that helmet hair...

Eventually Jeff had to head home so Eric and I stopped at a bar for some fuel. Here's a typical representation of us. Guess who's the Miller Lite and who's the chocolate shake?

A pic of Eric... how can something be so completely rotten and so cute at the same time???

That's all folks!!

September 16, 2008

Who needs insurance anyway?
I have slowly been getting my dental health back on track since, well, since 1999, when I last had dental insurance. I had the money to have my teeth worked on while I was living in Mexico but I was scared to death to spend time in a dentist's office that looked like where they made Edward Scissorhands. Once Eric had to go to the dentist while we were in Mexico and I glanced down and saw a dental pick with fresh, bloody gum meat hanging off of it. The dentist was wild-eyed like Dr. Giggles and after he jabbed an old rusty needle into Eric's gums he tossed the needle behind his back and it went directly into the center of a dart board. Seriously...

Anyway, as I was pulling into the dentist office, Eric told me that his check wouldn't be posted until midnight tonight and we had no money. The first thing I said to the hygienist was that I had absolutely no money and could only have done what insurance paid for. Her face went completely blank and she jumped up and ran over to the woman that handles the insurance. I heard them whispering frantically and then they both peaked around the corner and gave me the stink eye. The hygienist came back and said, "Well, Donna's going to call and see what we can get done today."

A few minutes later Donna waltzed over like Dave Ramsey with her little clip board and sat down in front of me to discuss financial matters. She showed me that they could get everything done today for just $138.79. There was a full 40 seconds of silence where you could actually hear her blink. I said, “Why don't you ask that old man over there if he'll spare me $20 for a blow job and that way I can at least pay you for the oxygen I have consumed since I walked into your office.”

But seriously... I explained to her that I really didn't have any money. NONE. She just couldn't wrap her mind around this concept. “Well, we can get your periodontal done for $35.” This time I just stared at her and said nothing. I could literally see her thoughts... Hmm, well she's white, she is wearing decent clothes and oh, oh wait, she really needs to get her roots done... oh, I see it now...

She finally realized I wasn't going to budge and they quickly got me out of there. I'm confused as to why I even bother with dental insurance. I pay $20 a month, there's a $50 deductible once a year, and every single time I go it's $100. And for what? My teeth do exactly what they need to do.

So with that said, Dentists, this one's for you!!

October 26, 2008

So today was a wonderful day to take the dogs out since Eric and I were both off work. We took the dogs to the park and let them become the carnivores they are. As you can see, the Great Dane is still terrified of the fat lab.




But he sure does like to swim.



The Great Dane is also terrified of the White Ghost of Death...

he may look innocent but if you've ever seen Monty Python,

then you know that looks can be deceiving...

Here's Eric, under the willow tree....

So when I was sleeping last night, some jerk stuck fat on my body and gave me chipmunk cheeks.

The Great Dane fights back!!