March 25, 2009

It has come to my attention that I am a lousy vegan. Like everything else I'm suddenly attracted to, I binged on so much veggies and soy that I broke out in hives. I went to the doctor for my physical and although I managed to drop my cholesterol from 210 to 188, I also managed to drop my protein to a dangerous level. I thought I had been getting enough from nuts and beans but I wasn't. I started eating lots of fish again and even eggs. My meat and potatoes husband has been living off of frozen California pizzas and cereal. I just hope my next entry doesn't mention scurvy.
I'd like to kick a shout out to my sister-in-law Carla who recently cleaned out her closet and gave me a brand new wardrobe! People at work have been asking me if I won the lottery and bought new clothes. Of course I told them yes, but that I was keeping my job to stay grounded... I just hope the mini-van doesn't break down and I have to ride my unicycle to work. Then my house of lies will come crashing down upon me!!

The Many Faces of Mush

March 7, 2009

I know... only a month behind on my blog of my dreams...
I've been in a complete and utter funk for the last couple of months and I really don't have much to say. I lost my Granddaddy and we buried him in Memphis on Valentine's Day. How lovely to have his funeral on the day of love. It sums up the eternal soul mate love that my grandparent's held their entire marriage over 60 years and then some. Who gets to have their grandparent's in their 30's? I'm one of the most blessed people on this planet.

When Grandmother and Granddaddy were married.

My Granddaddy was always cutting up with Noel and me... the most kind hearted gentle man that ever lived. And he lived entirely for his family, teaching us through example.

Weddings and Death, such irony. One represents a new beginning and the other wraps it all up for eternity. The last time I got to hold my Granddaddy was at my wedding.

On my way to Memphis for the funeral I was pretty down and then saw something in Brinkley, Arkansas that left me smiling. I was craving some Faesh Fruits and well, this placed seem to have them...

I know Granddaddy was watching us after the funeral at Grandmother's house where we made a lovely champagne toast to celebrate his life. I felt his presence with us and I know he had to be laughing at our silliness... My little brother is still no match for big sis...

The first cousins all together in about 10 years.

Emily, Jonathan, Me and Noel.

As you can see, my first cousins are quite proper. Noel had to bring them into his dimension where he sucked his wife's essence out of her brain stem. Don't knock it 'til you try it.

Alright, a normal picture of my brother Noel and his wife Amanda.

Here's me, Dad and Noel
Amanda, me and Jacinda

Special thanks to Eric

for catching my psychotic side

Don't worry, my brother takes the cake. One day I'll write an entry just about our DNA. This picture is where nightmares come from. I love my uncle Winston laughing in the back ground!!

Unc "W" is quite stuffy so I thought I'd throw

in this black mail picture...

too many hits from the bong, yo.

My beautiful Grandmother holding her great-grand baby Waimea.

Some of the best DNA in the family- Waimea.

Time for me to put on my fake eye-lashes. The husband and I are going clubbing tonight. I'm sure you'll enjoy those pictures... love y'all. xoxo

February 8, 2009

So this morning I finally called 1-800-CRY-BABY and they instantly rushed me into the whambulance to Chuck Norris where he administered a swift roundhouse kick to the back of my head and cured my recent pity party. Unaware of how I returned home, I found myself back online and ready to blog.

Pity Party Reasons- My Granddaddy Hal is passing away. I lived with Granddaddy and Grandmother for a couple of years to get away from my brother Noel because he had joined a gang in Orange Mound and was stealing my things and hocking them for hits. Don't worry though because he faked his death to escape the gang and joined the Army and is now a Green Beret. Fortunately he was just around the block when it all went down and managed to miss the episode on COPS. He's always had a tickle for dodging bullets.

Granddaddy has been suffering from Alzheimer's for 5 years or so. Anyone that has watched a loved one go through this, well, there's no words to describe the heartache. I'm going through the guilt of not being able to be in Memphis with my family right now. Even if all I could offer is hugs, it would be something. For weeks now I have been putting together a PowerPoint presentation in his honor.

Now to make an utter fool of myself for your entertainment... A few weeks ago I went over to a friend's house for a girls Fun Party. This is where a professional representative (Passion Parties) comes to your home and instead of presenting Tupperware, they reveal the latest sex toys and lotions. The girls throw back a few drinks and play some funny games and cackle madly at the absurd vibrating mechanisms. After the party was over the husbands were invited back in and everyone started drinking and regressed back to high school. I had managed to throw back about 5 tequila shots and began mouthing off "back in da day I could drink Jagermeister like water."

My friend's husband opened the garage where they actually had a Jager machine. About 18 people circled around me cheering me on to guzzle a jagerbomb. This is a cup full of jager and red bull. The following pictures show my demise:

The Devil
Quite cocky and naive, I approach The Devil:
Realizing my mistake:
Can't sis out now...

(totally verped but forced it back down)

For the next hour I was Beavis running around shaking with my arms up, "I am the great Cornholio!! I need TP for my bunghole!"

The highlight of the evening was when my husband Eric decided to entertain by manscaping his hairy chest with a bit of fire. (see the pride on his face)

TTFN

January 14, 2009

I am often amused with the ironies life presents. My flabby, donut picture posting ass had finally caught up with me on January 1st and a New Year's Resolution had to become a life changing event. I decided to go back to a vegan diet. The one time I had done this in my past I felt and looked better than I ever had- besides, it's also a way to protest the dispicable cruelty that takes place on factory farms. (Check out 48 year old Carol Alt in Playboy last month who only eats raw foods.) I began a couple of weeks ago phasing out the animal bi-products I had purchased over the holidays. Combined with 20 minutes a day on a treadmill, I have lost 6 pounds in a week. *pats self on back* On Saturday, for the first time in nearly 5 years, Eric went hunting and brought home a doe. A vegan's dream, right? The vicious murdering of Bambi's mother. Obviously I can't allow the deer to have died in vain, so I will be eating meat again for a while, but very little. I swear I think this is how my "meat and potatoes" husband is responding to the way I have been cooking dinner lately- hummus lettuce wraps and tofu spaghetti...

So while he's out hunting, I'm home alone on Saturday night. At first I'm really enjoying reading my book next to the fire place in a pile of dogs. Everything is peaceful when I go to bed and I prepare for a night of the deepest kind of sleep. Around 2:30 in the morning, I woke up to Bailey (my fat lab mix) screaming barking at the back door. I mean the serious kind of bark that comes from a dog that leaves you paralyzed with fear. I sat straight up in the bed unaware that I wasn't breathing. For 5 minutes I sat there trying to get myself to either hide in the closet with my cell phone or figure out a way to stab someone with a house shoe. (It's a comfort knowing what a lousy response I have to fear!) None of our dogs have ever woke us up barking at night.

Once Bailey stopped barking, I managed to gather enough courage to investigate. I know my dog well and in the back of my mind I was pretty sure this was just a false alarm. Bailey has been known to bark at the wind. I slithered out of the bedroom and went to the back of the house where I found Bailey, standing by the back door timid, and starring at me like the German Shepard in Legend when Will Smith finds him under the desk in the dark. I didn't see anyone so I turned on both back lights and then the front light hoping that if it had been someone, they would realize I was awake and available to stab them with a house shoe.

I waited for about a half hour before deciding this was just Bailey crying wolf. I went back to bed with The Chihuahua and Bailey under the bed. Samson, our Great Dane, was sleeping in the other room and wasn't bothered at all by the commotion. That comforted me as well. It took me a while to fall back asleep but just as soon as I did, I was wakened by something worse. This time it was Samson, as he was standing by the backdoor growling a very deep, deep growl. I had never heard him growl so fiercely. My fear turned to rage and I flew out of the bedroom lusting for a violent embrace. No one was there except Samson and his hackles were raised from the tip of his nose to the end of his tail. Again I flipped on all of the outside lights. I set up camp in the living room where I had the best view. Of course I had concluded that the one and only night that my husband is away, in a subdivision of 300 houses (ours being the smallest) someone has decided to beat, rape and leave me for dead. I sat on the couch for a couple of hours thinking about all of the people I've pissed off in my life. I decided not to call the police because I had embarrassed myself doing that once when I thought someone was in our attic preparing to drop down and stab us all to death but the police only discovered a pack of raccoons climbing around on the roof. The rest of the night I looked like a bush baby whipping my head around at the slightest sound. I made it back to bed at sunrise but never really slept.

I wonder if it really was anyone? They heard Bailey and thought, "Hmm.. sounds like a medium sized fat dog. I can probably take 'em..." Then the lights came on and they hunkered down behind the BBQ grill, "Yep. That's got to be a single woman in the house thinking the lights are going to scare me away..." Then after I'd gone back to bed and they went for the backdoor again they heard Samson and that must of put a twist on things,"Damn! That dog grew!" It would of been great if the whole mess had started with The Chihuahua barking, then Bailey and then Samson...

The Many Faces of Eric

January 3, 2009

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I have been stuck starring at "Norton Internet Security is currently performing background tasks" on the bottom right corner of my screen for a week now. Strange things like this happen when my T-24 chihuahua gets too near my laptop.

So for Christmas, Eric was able to donate enough blood and bought me an expresso/cappuccino maker. I made my first expresso tonight and boy did it taste like shit. I've managed to combine all the caffeine in the world into a single ounce and I'm shaking like dog crapping a peach seed. Tonight in bed I'm going to make little brewing sounds while Eric is trying to sleep... heh heh...

Anyway, yesterday at work, I was given the strangest Christmas present I have ever received. I've made friends with an Iranian woman named Ramesh but she goes by Catherine. She is one of the most kind hearted people I have ever known although I can hardly understand her most of the time. More than often I just whip out my Chucky smile and say "uh huh" having no clue what she's telling me. The few conversations I have managed to understand were enjoyable and we've learned a lot about each other's cultures. (Especially the food part!) She brought me a cute little golden bag with a red bow on it and said, "I give to you present Rrrrrrrrreeeeeee." I thanked her and gave her a hug and when I went back to my office I looked inside the bag. The first thing I saw was a cute little kiwi-strawberry candle. I pulled it out, gave it a fine sniff and set it on my desk. Then I reached back into the bag and was abruptly slapped across the face with an enormous Queen Size PLUS pair of black tights. Who buys someone they hardly know a pair of tights 4 sizes too big? I read the back of the label and I need to weigh 230lbs to wear them!! Knowing Catherine, I'm sure she meant nothing of it and probably didn't even know she had bought Queen Size PLUS!! At least that's what I'm telling myself... Eric's son Drew was over here on Friday night to tell us good-bye as he is moving to Florida to work on a farm that grows organic food. When I gave him a hug, I slipped the QUEEN SIZE PLUS tights into his back pack!! HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA I can't wait to hear when he finds them... and has to explain them to his buddies.

Before I start posting a bunch of pictures because I've been too lazy to write anything, I must share with you one of my golden moments of stupidity. I'm sure all of you are familiar with Jay Leno's "Jaywalking". Well, one night Eric and I were watching in utter disgust as I have always been able to answer all of the questions perfectly and without any hesitation. During this time I'm also quick to sling insults to the boneheads that manage to get on T.V. Suddenly, Jay holds up a picture of Thomas Jefferson asking someone who it is and with boastful pride, I yelled out, "George Jefferson!" I thought Eric's wee teeny eyes were going to plop out of his gigantic head. It even took me a couple of seconds to realize what had just detonated in my mouth. There was nothing I could do to salvage my dignity.

It was time for me to brush up on my history and so I began reading several wonderful books. Unfortunately, I have realized that everything I was taught in school was basically fantasy and mostly incorrect. So the last few weeks I have held a grudge against the Portuguese conquistadors and several Europeans.

I just returned from a wonderful Christmas with my family in Paragould, Arkansas. I haven't seen my brother in 3 years or ever met his wife Amanda or his daughter Waimea. (WHY-MAY-UH) Her mother is Hawaiian and she is named after Waimea Beach in O'ahu.

Peek-a-booo!!

Here's my brother, Waimea and me:

I must mention here that I am completely thrilled to have Amanda as my sister-in-law. She's so sick and twisted I couldn't have asked for a better sister!! Her picture is on my Nov. 30th blog. The other pics I took of her on this vacation she had a tit out feeding a bebeh and I imagine she would appreciate it if I didn't post them here! Here are my favorite cypress trees on Grandma's farm about 200 years old or more. I use to sit under these trees when I was a child and eat Lorna Dune cookies!

One of the things I miss most about my home is living in the flyway. I absolutely LIVE to take country loops and find geese spiraling down for a rest. I was starting to wonder when I was going to see them and then on my way home Sunday, I finally got my wish. I pulled off the highway and worked my way down a muddy road until I had to stop and walk the rest of the way. The Chihuahua, wearing his grey hoodie, was by my side awaiting adventure. You cannot imagine the orchestra of a million geese or the way the wind feels blowing from their wings. I was standing in the middle of a rice field and the sky grew dark with birds. This shot I managed to catch when something spooked the geese, but I remained as they always come back. These are snow and specklebelly geese. I only wish I could show these photos/videos in a larger format however it's impossible on this blog.

Here is a shot as they are coming back down to land. There was no way to fit all the birds in the frame no matter how far I zoomed out. It was quite breathtaking. Geese were flying in from all directions. And I never got pooped on!

I was able to take a quick video of the geese as they were spooked back into the sky. Perhaps it was me or shots heard in the distance from hunters. Fortunately there were no hunters shooting at these birds. I noticed some decoys among them but there were actually some live mallards. I was so awe struck it was hard for me to hold my camera still!! Turn up your volume!!

YOU WILL LOVE THIS!



And finally I zoomed out to show the tremendous size of this migration. You can see how they spiral down.


Since I'm tweeking on expresso, I figure I'll continue with the rest of my photos and videos from a few weeks ago. Eric's company, Central Yamaha, had a redneck get together including everything from guns to beer, cows to ATV's, camo and of course a couple of Yamaha Rhinos.

Eric vs. Cow (please don't ask me about his outfit) This is what we were doing on the Rhinos. Steve demonstrates his manliness:

This is Jason, Eric's boss:


I love this shot- check out Eric laughing:

Extreme close up-

And then Rhiannon said, "Damn it Eric, I swear to God if you flip this thing over I'll-"

Yep, I took this picture after I climbed out and gave him a good sound thrashing...

Hope everyone had a good New Year's and I look forward to some juicy stories... xoxo