May 26, 2009

Attention please.
I would just like to mention that last night I finally FELL ASLEEP. I'm not sure what triggered this event but I was admitted into Dreamland where I met up with Britney Spears and her mother who gave me a grand tour of their 76,000 sq. ft. home. This is, of course, being their old home where Britney grew up, long before she became successful. While we were walking around the empty swimming pool the size of a small lake, her mother confided in me that she was seeing a much younger man on the side who drove a muddy pickup truck. Britney was off climbing a tree in a dirty t-shirt, cut off shorts and flip flops. Overall, they were very nice though neither offered me anything to drink.

May 24, 2009

A little cash office humor.

I always feel like,

Somebody's watching me...

I haven't slept in about 6 days. My insomnia is back with a vengeance. We recently switched from Dish Network to AT&T U-Verse. The new AT&T box has a tiny flashing green light that torments me every night. I can't help myself- I have to stare at it and count how many times it flashes. I'm concerned with the irregularity of the flashes and wonder if that means something? In order to stop obsessing, I try to count backwards in Spanish from 100 in my head but somewhere along the way I have to peek to see if the light has changed. I rigged up a cover with a shredded dog toy and a book but then I stared at it worrying that covering up the vents would start a damn fire and the whole neighborhood would go up in smoke and baby birds would die all because I tried to avoid the little green flashing light!

Then I had to pee again. I drank one tablespoon of water before I went to bed but had to pee three different times. What the hell is that? I used the opportunity to down 2 melatonin but nothing would grant me entry into Dreamland.

There's nothing an insomniac hates more than a f**ker who can sleep on command like my husband. He'll get up in the middle of the night, eat a pineapple and then go right back to bed without ever disturbing his sleep. He wakes up singing opera and I wake up looking like a character from a Tim Burton movie. Then I get to go to work and count all day. Sometimes Julia catches me just starring at the vault.

"You gonna open that?"

"uhh... quiche?" I take insomninaps during the day with my eyes open. Julia has gotten use to my nonsense as I, her cabbage farts. I'm off work tomorrow for the love of God, so maybe I can get some rest. I use to know a guy who would say that all the time. "For the love of God." We'd be driving past a restaurant where everyone was out on the patio eating their Mexican food and drinking margarita's and he'd roll down the window violently and scream in a Metallica voice, "Enjoy your dinner for the love of God!"

... getting punchier by the minute...

May 18, 2009

Since I'm always behind the camera I figured I post a picture of myself since I've dropped 20 pounds recently. Love the background huh? Yep, I photo shopped in a manly garage...Better than sliced bread and buttered popcorn combined.
Have you had your puppy kisses today?
EHN!!!! (struggling sound animals make when they can't get away)
I welcome anyone who's daring enough to come to my house for some fun. It can be risky though. The Chihuahua may have to be surgically removed.

May 10, 2009

I'd like to kick a shout out to all the mother's today! I hope all of your ingrateful little brats bought you something big and shiny! HAHHAHAHA Just kidding... but that's why I have dogs. Except, I'm rather miffed at them right now. I think they forgot today is Mother's Day. Nothing. Not even a card with a muddy paw print on it. Nope. Here I am slaving away at work on a SUNDAY and you'd think their strangely shaped carnivorous brains would have remembered me. Let's see if they notice when I switch them to Ol' Roy... (which dad will be eating too)

Eric and I went to Hobbs, New Mexico this past Tuesday to deliver a waverunner. We made the trip in one day. It beat the hell out of being stuck in my tiny office with Julia while she hacked up gooey blobs of phlegm all day. She's got the consumption I think. All the doctors in North Texas can't figure out what's festering in her lungs. Poor thing...

Anyway, back to New Mexico. But FIRST-

Here is Eric and his son Drew who just came back for a brief visit from Florida where he was working on an organic farm.

Here is how they normally look:

We left at 5 in the morning in a thunderstorm and daylight dumped a thick fog on us.
Here are some shots I took out of the window at 80 mph. These pictures don't do it justice.

Upon entering Hobbs, the first thing I saw was a meth house. Beware the curse of the four letter word!!

Old Sinclair gas station:

After cotton

One of the coolest things I've ever seen was the Horse Hollow wind energy farm. It is the largest wind energy farm in the world. The windmills are HUGE.

If you haven't seen Star Trek you're in for a real treat. I absolutely loved it! Eric and I went last night and had a blast. The crowd in the theater was full of energy like when the first Jurassic Park came out, or Armageddon. At the end everyone was clapping and cheering. I wet my pants! Just checking to see if you're paying attention. Then on the way home, Eric and I got into an argument about aerodynamics and thrusters because I wanted to know how the hell they built the Starship Enterprise on the ground and got that huge sucker up into space.

Ta Ta For Now.

April 25, 2009

On my way to work yesterday morning I ran over a dove. Friday morning rush hour traffic and there I was at the front of the line starring at a red light. Behind me was a shady man in a Maserati with hairy knuckles gripping the steering wheel and intensely nudging me forward. The light turned green and I leaped into first place at 35 MPH. I dared to accelerate into the first tight curve at 45 with the hairy Maserati man scowling at my rear. And there she was.

A lovely winged gift from Heaven. I had absolutely no time to react. Neither did the dove. I glanced in my rear view mirror and saw the Maserati swerve to the left as bird guts exploded onto the right side of his car. I was horrified. I had committed my first vehicular homicide.

I drove the rest of the way to work like this:

By lunch time I had convinced myself that I had murdered a female dove who happened to be gathering delicious worms for her newly hatched babies, high up in a nest not far from the road, where they shared front row seats in witnessing the slaughtering of their mother. I had taken out an entire family. As a lover of Mother Earth, this atrocious event followed me into my dreams last night and I saw myself pulling over on the side of the road and planting a tiny cross with flowers whereupon 3 baby doves fell from the sky like a Texas hail storm and bore into the top of my skull with their sharpened beaks. I suppose I'll be spending the rest of the weekend in mourning...

The Many Faces of Bailey

April 13, 2009

They do everything together...