April 25, 2009

On my way to work yesterday morning I ran over a dove. Friday morning rush hour traffic and there I was at the front of the line starring at a red light. Behind me was a shady man in a Maserati with hairy knuckles gripping the steering wheel and intensely nudging me forward. The light turned green and I leaped into first place at 35 MPH. I dared to accelerate into the first tight curve at 45 with the hairy Maserati man scowling at my rear. And there she was.

A lovely winged gift from Heaven. I had absolutely no time to react. Neither did the dove. I glanced in my rear view mirror and saw the Maserati swerve to the left as bird guts exploded onto the right side of his car. I was horrified. I had committed my first vehicular homicide.

I drove the rest of the way to work like this:

By lunch time I had convinced myself that I had murdered a female dove who happened to be gathering delicious worms for her newly hatched babies, high up in a nest not far from the road, where they shared front row seats in witnessing the slaughtering of their mother. I had taken out an entire family. As a lover of Mother Earth, this atrocious event followed me into my dreams last night and I saw myself pulling over on the side of the road and planting a tiny cross with flowers whereupon 3 baby doves fell from the sky like a Texas hail storm and bore into the top of my skull with their sharpened beaks. I suppose I'll be spending the rest of the weekend in mourning...

The Many Faces of Bailey

April 13, 2009

They do everything together...

March 25, 2009

It has come to my attention that I am a lousy vegan. Like everything else I'm suddenly attracted to, I binged on so much veggies and soy that I broke out in hives. I went to the doctor for my physical and although I managed to drop my cholesterol from 210 to 188, I also managed to drop my protein to a dangerous level. I thought I had been getting enough from nuts and beans but I wasn't. I started eating lots of fish again and even eggs. My meat and potatoes husband has been living off of frozen California pizzas and cereal. I just hope my next entry doesn't mention scurvy.
I'd like to kick a shout out to my sister-in-law Carla who recently cleaned out her closet and gave me a brand new wardrobe! People at work have been asking me if I won the lottery and bought new clothes. Of course I told them yes, but that I was keeping my job to stay grounded... I just hope the mini-van doesn't break down and I have to ride my unicycle to work. Then my house of lies will come crashing down upon me!!

The Many Faces of Mush

March 7, 2009

I know... only a month behind on my blog of my dreams...
I've been in a complete and utter funk for the last couple of months and I really don't have much to say. I lost my Granddaddy and we buried him in Memphis on Valentine's Day. How lovely to have his funeral on the day of love. It sums up the eternal soul mate love that my grandparent's held their entire marriage over 60 years and then some. Who gets to have their grandparent's in their 30's? I'm one of the most blessed people on this planet.

When Grandmother and Granddaddy were married.

My Granddaddy was always cutting up with Noel and me... the most kind hearted gentle man that ever lived. And he lived entirely for his family, teaching us through example.

Weddings and Death, such irony. One represents a new beginning and the other wraps it all up for eternity. The last time I got to hold my Granddaddy was at my wedding.

On my way to Memphis for the funeral I was pretty down and then saw something in Brinkley, Arkansas that left me smiling. I was craving some Faesh Fruits and well, this placed seem to have them...

I know Granddaddy was watching us after the funeral at Grandmother's house where we made a lovely champagne toast to celebrate his life. I felt his presence with us and I know he had to be laughing at our silliness... My little brother is still no match for big sis...

The first cousins all together in about 10 years.

Emily, Jonathan, Me and Noel.

As you can see, my first cousins are quite proper. Noel had to bring them into his dimension where he sucked his wife's essence out of her brain stem. Don't knock it 'til you try it.

Alright, a normal picture of my brother Noel and his wife Amanda.

Here's me, Dad and Noel
Amanda, me and Jacinda

Special thanks to Eric

for catching my psychotic side

Don't worry, my brother takes the cake. One day I'll write an entry just about our DNA. This picture is where nightmares come from. I love my uncle Winston laughing in the back ground!!

Unc "W" is quite stuffy so I thought I'd throw

in this black mail picture...

too many hits from the bong, yo.

My beautiful Grandmother holding her great-grand baby Waimea.

Some of the best DNA in the family- Waimea.

Time for me to put on my fake eye-lashes. The husband and I are going clubbing tonight. I'm sure you'll enjoy those pictures... love y'all. xoxo

February 8, 2009

So this morning I finally called 1-800-CRY-BABY and they instantly rushed me into the whambulance to Chuck Norris where he administered a swift roundhouse kick to the back of my head and cured my recent pity party. Unaware of how I returned home, I found myself back online and ready to blog.

Pity Party Reasons- My Granddaddy Hal is passing away. I lived with Granddaddy and Grandmother for a couple of years to get away from my brother Noel because he had joined a gang in Orange Mound and was stealing my things and hocking them for hits. Don't worry though because he faked his death to escape the gang and joined the Army and is now a Green Beret. Fortunately he was just around the block when it all went down and managed to miss the episode on COPS. He's always had a tickle for dodging bullets.

Granddaddy has been suffering from Alzheimer's for 5 years or so. Anyone that has watched a loved one go through this, well, there's no words to describe the heartache. I'm going through the guilt of not being able to be in Memphis with my family right now. Even if all I could offer is hugs, it would be something. For weeks now I have been putting together a PowerPoint presentation in his honor.

Now to make an utter fool of myself for your entertainment... A few weeks ago I went over to a friend's house for a girls Fun Party. This is where a professional representative (Passion Parties) comes to your home and instead of presenting Tupperware, they reveal the latest sex toys and lotions. The girls throw back a few drinks and play some funny games and cackle madly at the absurd vibrating mechanisms. After the party was over the husbands were invited back in and everyone started drinking and regressed back to high school. I had managed to throw back about 5 tequila shots and began mouthing off "back in da day I could drink Jagermeister like water."

My friend's husband opened the garage where they actually had a Jager machine. About 18 people circled around me cheering me on to guzzle a jagerbomb. This is a cup full of jager and red bull. The following pictures show my demise:

The Devil
Quite cocky and naive, I approach The Devil:
Realizing my mistake:
Can't sis out now...

(totally verped but forced it back down)

For the next hour I was Beavis running around shaking with my arms up, "I am the great Cornholio!! I need TP for my bunghole!"

The highlight of the evening was when my husband Eric decided to entertain by manscaping his hairy chest with a bit of fire. (see the pride on his face)

TTFN