April 13, 2009

They do everything together...

March 25, 2009

It has come to my attention that I am a lousy vegan. Like everything else I'm suddenly attracted to, I binged on so much veggies and soy that I broke out in hives. I went to the doctor for my physical and although I managed to drop my cholesterol from 210 to 188, I also managed to drop my protein to a dangerous level. I thought I had been getting enough from nuts and beans but I wasn't. I started eating lots of fish again and even eggs. My meat and potatoes husband has been living off of frozen California pizzas and cereal. I just hope my next entry doesn't mention scurvy.
I'd like to kick a shout out to my sister-in-law Carla who recently cleaned out her closet and gave me a brand new wardrobe! People at work have been asking me if I won the lottery and bought new clothes. Of course I told them yes, but that I was keeping my job to stay grounded... I just hope the mini-van doesn't break down and I have to ride my unicycle to work. Then my house of lies will come crashing down upon me!!

The Many Faces of Mush

March 7, 2009

I know... only a month behind on my blog of my dreams...
I've been in a complete and utter funk for the last couple of months and I really don't have much to say. I lost my Granddaddy and we buried him in Memphis on Valentine's Day. How lovely to have his funeral on the day of love. It sums up the eternal soul mate love that my grandparent's held their entire marriage over 60 years and then some. Who gets to have their grandparent's in their 30's? I'm one of the most blessed people on this planet.

When Grandmother and Granddaddy were married.

My Granddaddy was always cutting up with Noel and me... the most kind hearted gentle man that ever lived. And he lived entirely for his family, teaching us through example.

Weddings and Death, such irony. One represents a new beginning and the other wraps it all up for eternity. The last time I got to hold my Granddaddy was at my wedding.

On my way to Memphis for the funeral I was pretty down and then saw something in Brinkley, Arkansas that left me smiling. I was craving some Faesh Fruits and well, this placed seem to have them...

I know Granddaddy was watching us after the funeral at Grandmother's house where we made a lovely champagne toast to celebrate his life. I felt his presence with us and I know he had to be laughing at our silliness... My little brother is still no match for big sis...

The first cousins all together in about 10 years.

Emily, Jonathan, Me and Noel.

As you can see, my first cousins are quite proper. Noel had to bring them into his dimension where he sucked his wife's essence out of her brain stem. Don't knock it 'til you try it.

Alright, a normal picture of my brother Noel and his wife Amanda.

Here's me, Dad and Noel
Amanda, me and Jacinda

Special thanks to Eric

for catching my psychotic side

Don't worry, my brother takes the cake. One day I'll write an entry just about our DNA. This picture is where nightmares come from. I love my uncle Winston laughing in the back ground!!

Unc "W" is quite stuffy so I thought I'd throw

in this black mail picture...

too many hits from the bong, yo.

My beautiful Grandmother holding her great-grand baby Waimea.

Some of the best DNA in the family- Waimea.

Time for me to put on my fake eye-lashes. The husband and I are going clubbing tonight. I'm sure you'll enjoy those pictures... love y'all. xoxo

February 8, 2009

So this morning I finally called 1-800-CRY-BABY and they instantly rushed me into the whambulance to Chuck Norris where he administered a swift roundhouse kick to the back of my head and cured my recent pity party. Unaware of how I returned home, I found myself back online and ready to blog.

Pity Party Reasons- My Granddaddy Hal is passing away. I lived with Granddaddy and Grandmother for a couple of years to get away from my brother Noel because he had joined a gang in Orange Mound and was stealing my things and hocking them for hits. Don't worry though because he faked his death to escape the gang and joined the Army and is now a Green Beret. Fortunately he was just around the block when it all went down and managed to miss the episode on COPS. He's always had a tickle for dodging bullets.

Granddaddy has been suffering from Alzheimer's for 5 years or so. Anyone that has watched a loved one go through this, well, there's no words to describe the heartache. I'm going through the guilt of not being able to be in Memphis with my family right now. Even if all I could offer is hugs, it would be something. For weeks now I have been putting together a PowerPoint presentation in his honor.

Now to make an utter fool of myself for your entertainment... A few weeks ago I went over to a friend's house for a girls Fun Party. This is where a professional representative (Passion Parties) comes to your home and instead of presenting Tupperware, they reveal the latest sex toys and lotions. The girls throw back a few drinks and play some funny games and cackle madly at the absurd vibrating mechanisms. After the party was over the husbands were invited back in and everyone started drinking and regressed back to high school. I had managed to throw back about 5 tequila shots and began mouthing off "back in da day I could drink Jagermeister like water."

My friend's husband opened the garage where they actually had a Jager machine. About 18 people circled around me cheering me on to guzzle a jagerbomb. This is a cup full of jager and red bull. The following pictures show my demise:

The Devil
Quite cocky and naive, I approach The Devil:
Realizing my mistake:
Can't sis out now...

(totally verped but forced it back down)

For the next hour I was Beavis running around shaking with my arms up, "I am the great Cornholio!! I need TP for my bunghole!"

The highlight of the evening was when my husband Eric decided to entertain by manscaping his hairy chest with a bit of fire. (see the pride on his face)

TTFN

January 14, 2009

I am often amused with the ironies life presents. My flabby, donut picture posting ass had finally caught up with me on January 1st and a New Year's Resolution had to become a life changing event. I decided to go back to a vegan diet. The one time I had done this in my past I felt and looked better than I ever had- besides, it's also a way to protest the dispicable cruelty that takes place on factory farms. (Check out 48 year old Carol Alt in Playboy last month who only eats raw foods.) I began a couple of weeks ago phasing out the animal bi-products I had purchased over the holidays. Combined with 20 minutes a day on a treadmill, I have lost 6 pounds in a week. *pats self on back* On Saturday, for the first time in nearly 5 years, Eric went hunting and brought home a doe. A vegan's dream, right? The vicious murdering of Bambi's mother. Obviously I can't allow the deer to have died in vain, so I will be eating meat again for a while, but very little. I swear I think this is how my "meat and potatoes" husband is responding to the way I have been cooking dinner lately- hummus lettuce wraps and tofu spaghetti...

So while he's out hunting, I'm home alone on Saturday night. At first I'm really enjoying reading my book next to the fire place in a pile of dogs. Everything is peaceful when I go to bed and I prepare for a night of the deepest kind of sleep. Around 2:30 in the morning, I woke up to Bailey (my fat lab mix) screaming barking at the back door. I mean the serious kind of bark that comes from a dog that leaves you paralyzed with fear. I sat straight up in the bed unaware that I wasn't breathing. For 5 minutes I sat there trying to get myself to either hide in the closet with my cell phone or figure out a way to stab someone with a house shoe. (It's a comfort knowing what a lousy response I have to fear!) None of our dogs have ever woke us up barking at night.

Once Bailey stopped barking, I managed to gather enough courage to investigate. I know my dog well and in the back of my mind I was pretty sure this was just a false alarm. Bailey has been known to bark at the wind. I slithered out of the bedroom and went to the back of the house where I found Bailey, standing by the back door timid, and starring at me like the German Shepard in Legend when Will Smith finds him under the desk in the dark. I didn't see anyone so I turned on both back lights and then the front light hoping that if it had been someone, they would realize I was awake and available to stab them with a house shoe.

I waited for about a half hour before deciding this was just Bailey crying wolf. I went back to bed with The Chihuahua and Bailey under the bed. Samson, our Great Dane, was sleeping in the other room and wasn't bothered at all by the commotion. That comforted me as well. It took me a while to fall back asleep but just as soon as I did, I was wakened by something worse. This time it was Samson, as he was standing by the backdoor growling a very deep, deep growl. I had never heard him growl so fiercely. My fear turned to rage and I flew out of the bedroom lusting for a violent embrace. No one was there except Samson and his hackles were raised from the tip of his nose to the end of his tail. Again I flipped on all of the outside lights. I set up camp in the living room where I had the best view. Of course I had concluded that the one and only night that my husband is away, in a subdivision of 300 houses (ours being the smallest) someone has decided to beat, rape and leave me for dead. I sat on the couch for a couple of hours thinking about all of the people I've pissed off in my life. I decided not to call the police because I had embarrassed myself doing that once when I thought someone was in our attic preparing to drop down and stab us all to death but the police only discovered a pack of raccoons climbing around on the roof. The rest of the night I looked like a bush baby whipping my head around at the slightest sound. I made it back to bed at sunrise but never really slept.

I wonder if it really was anyone? They heard Bailey and thought, "Hmm.. sounds like a medium sized fat dog. I can probably take 'em..." Then the lights came on and they hunkered down behind the BBQ grill, "Yep. That's got to be a single woman in the house thinking the lights are going to scare me away..." Then after I'd gone back to bed and they went for the backdoor again they heard Samson and that must of put a twist on things,"Damn! That dog grew!" It would of been great if the whole mess had started with The Chihuahua barking, then Bailey and then Samson...

The Many Faces of Eric